I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
You Might Also Like
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Its true…
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
My birth announcement for our third baby
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?