Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
You Might Also Like
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you