[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
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me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.