Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
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man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok