‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
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me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
I miss this era type of pranks😭
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
love it when they get my name right
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Cardio Made Easy
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?