This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
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My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Why is this me 😫
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
courtroom exchange of the day
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
NASA has no chill
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.