This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
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Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
so weird how every mom was born today
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.