This is so me ππ
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CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but theyβll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Fact:
βIntercourseβ sounds more like itβs about vehicular traffic than sex.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] howβs this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: iβm not gonna bullshit you itβs pretty good
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir⦠we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Iβm not a hot mess Iβm a room temp predicament
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milkβs almost dead
Not wearing glasses anymore, Iβve seen enough.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.