*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
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him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Left at a local drug store…
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.