@rosegoldram: this is so top tier i cant
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@ArfMeasures: [court] ME: Between 10 & 11 p.m. I was having sex JUDGE: Who are you? You're not even in this trial M: I know, I just want it on record
@mattgallo123: My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
@ItMightBeJimbo: Two seats open. One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in. The other by a wall outlet. She'll find love in another man.
@Playing_Dad: [Ice Cream Truck] John Cena: I'll take an Icee, please. Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You? Cena: *grabs driver's shirt* No, you can't.