this is so top tier i cant
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KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Bond. Trauma bond.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
The devil.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones