When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
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*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.