this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
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“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!