this is the best interaction on twitter
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They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?