This is the best one I’ve seen
You Might Also Like
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
☺️
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar