@lungfiber: This is the best one I've seen
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@Brianhopecomedy: My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
@Reverend_Scott: Me: Welcome back to Fishin' with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far- Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
@nicfit75: It's a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
@usermcuserface: How did you find me?? Cop: Your ransom note had pasted letters from a magazine. It was between you and like 4 other people on earth.