No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
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I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Accurate
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*