My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
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I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
favorite tropes as memes
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.