THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
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Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.