THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
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I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
broke down and did it
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them