@weedhitler: THIS IS THE COPS. WE KNOW YOU HAVE NWA'S "FU*CK THE POLICE" ON REPEAT IN THERE. COME OUT & SAY SORRY TO OFFICER DAVIS. YOU MADE HIM CRY DUDE
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@rachelle_mandik: a kid i met insisted she visited the "vampire state building" and i couldn't bring myself to correct her
@ShittyComedian: When you said coke I assumed you meant cocaine. No thank you. Soda is bad for you.
@daplusk: [on 1st date] Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before? Her: No, I'd love to Me: Same Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim
@AndyAsAdjective: KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive? BON JOVI DAD: oh…we're halfway there…