“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
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At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
I know karate and tons of other words.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I cannot stop laughing at this