Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
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My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Stick it to the man
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Life with a cat in one tweet
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar