@GirlyBibIe: this is the greatest thing ever
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@iwearaonesie: wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous! me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
@KalvinMacleod: ME: I'm just gonna take a quick nap. KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented. *living room is on fire*
@Smooheed: 'Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?'
@jonnysun: when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job