“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
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Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I saw this ending much differently.
Thursday Thought.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
New Tinder profile.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.