@Amburglar_: This is the hardest I've laughed all morning:
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@1_swarthy_dude: Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
@GrantTanaka: "I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady's purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you...just sit there looking mean." -Unorganized Crime
@DillDoes: Monkey: "We're not so different" Me: "Did that monkey just talk to me" Monkey: "Monkey noise" Me: "Did it just say 'monkey noise'?"
@KentWGraham: Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.