Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
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Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
another case of gang violins
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.