I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
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[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.