I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
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When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this