If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
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I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.