I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
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A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Word.
~ Microsoft.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man