This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
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Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Barbie gone wild
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Lmao 🤣
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.