THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
You Might Also Like
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
We need to put an American base on the sun
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.