THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
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Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.