this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
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Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji