Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
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Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
nyc:
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.