This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
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Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to