ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
You Might Also Like
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no