DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
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The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know