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Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
My time has come.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL