First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
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My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!