This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
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Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.