This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
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I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
why am I working on Labor Day
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”