When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
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I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Not messing around
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.