ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
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I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.