I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
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*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Fidel Castro was alive?
Hey i am sexy to you now
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.