Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
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Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Dyslexics are teople poo!
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.