Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
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to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.