@aguywithnolife: this is why god doesn't talk to us anymore
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@iwearaonesie: "Oh man, that thing looks irritated" - me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
@mydanimarie: Ok parents who refer to their kids by age... I can play too. "22 always wants BJs before class. 39 just wants pictures for his golf buddies"
@FilthyRichmond: Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
@MourningGlory_: Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail. JK It was me.