me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
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Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
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The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂