Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
You Might Also Like
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
i- i did not expect this
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…