My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
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An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
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! ! ! !
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen