I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
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I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy